How often do we find ourselves pushing others away when we feel angry, upset or rejected, instead of staying connected, because our impulse is to push the problem as far away from us as possible – so that it will no longer hurt us? But what if our own anger is hurting us more? What if this anger is coming from somewhere else within and ultimately has nothing to do with the person we’ve clashed with?
What if we should in fact be taking the exact opposite tact?
The secret to good relationships begins with ourselves. By shunting an emotional issue out of sight, what we’re actually doing is distancing ourselves from the chance to be seen as we would like. And sure, sometimes that’s a scary prospect when trust is either lacking or broken in the relationship: the fear of being either exploited or disliked for what we are. The fear of being dropped like a hot cake and abandoned.
So, we jump ship first, bury our heads in the sand or run like the wind.
But there is an alternative. We can also walk the least trod path and – instead of pushing how we feel away from us and possibly beating ourselves up for those feelings – consciously choose to check in with ourselves and stay connected. We can sit with the feeling in silence or take a walk with it, observing where the emotion is really coming from and whether we are dealing with a repeat pattern that is hindering our growth.
Because the likeliness we’ve been triggered in a similar way before is fairly high!
And it’s ok to feel what we’re feeling! It’s ok to say “hello, I see you” and then say “goodbye”. Acknowledging our emotions, even negative ones, is liberating because we’re no longer steered by them or our fear of them. On the contrary. They become useful indicators of change. By recognising what’s going on inside us, we take back the vital element of choice. We stay connected to who we are, even in distress.
In short, we are empowering ourselves. We’re being real. We are not our emotions.
And we can do the same when communicating with others. We can choose to stay in connection with the person who’s triggered us, even if we’re furious about something, insulted or upset because that very connection begins with ourselves: checking in and noticing where the conflict or misunderstanding may lie. And then communicating clearly what we notice, checking in with the other person.
So, when you’re feeling the urge to run a mile, try checking in instead. And be the real you.
Could your relationships benefit from clearer communication? Simply contact me here at Freeflow Coaching.